Star Trek 295: The Lost Episode
by ralph the third
Summary: Spock and Bones must travel back in time to save their captain's life! But can they stand up to the sheer nonsense of a young girls mind? Find out! Please R&R!


Disclaimer: I don't own Trek or it's characters. That's called slavery and it has been abolished in America since Abraham Lincoln said so.

Kirk: Gee. I'm glad she doesn't own us. Then she could do what ever she wanted... (Shudders)

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Beware! Do not read this unless you have enough imagination to pretend is't messily scribbled on about five sheets of notebook paper. Only then can the illusion be maintained! Seriously, I wrote this about 2/3 of a year ago and it was on loose-leaf. Enjoy.

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Kirk sat on the bridg of the _Enterprise._

Spock?" He addressed his first officer.

"Yes, Captain?" Spock had yet to understand the pause which was so often employed between a direct address and the desired statement or question, but was familiar with the expected reply.

"Where in the world are we?"

"We are not in your, or any other, world, sir. We are floating through a starless vaccuum that has not yet been charted in Starfleet records."

Kirk sighed. Either Spock actually thought he didn't know they weren't on earth or he was subtly admitting that he had no clue where they were... or both.

"Jim," Doctor McCoy's voice triggered an instinctive pivot in Kirk's chair; "You're exausted! You can't go on commanding in this state!"

"What state are we in? Nebraska?"

"You know what I mean! You can't command like this!"

"Especially not, now that the entire bridge crew is aware of his weakness," interjected Spock.

Both Kirk and Bones stared at the Vulcan, taken aback. Noting their surprise, Spock added his everenduring statement of logic.

"Nevertheless, Doctor, your concern is clearly locical."

"See, Jim? Even Spock agrees for once!"

Spock ignored the snide comment, but Kirk's nerves were being trampled.

"Now Bones, see here! You can't just prance in here while I'm on duty and tell me how to handle my own sleep cycle.

"Actually, Captain, he can."

Pleased at Spock's support, Bones continued. "Go to your room, young man. Get some sleep. That's a medical order."

Kirk gave his CMO a defiant look followed by one of defeat. He stood and made his way to the turbo lift, only to have a heart attack.

"Jim!" Bones shouted as he rushed to his captains lifeless side.

"He cannot hear you, Doctor."

McCoy ignored Spocks comment. Could he not see the emotion in the exclamation? Of course not;even if he were capable of such relization, he would not allow it to enter his "feelingless" mind.

"Well? What now?" McCoy was at a loss.

"We continue our mission and attempt to escape this vaccuum."

"Spock! Are you out of your mind? We have fifty episodes left and they all include Jim!" McCoy waited for th Vulcan's sound logic to reassure him and solve their problem.

"Chicken," Spock calmly stated.

"I beg your pardon? I'm not! What are you talking about?"

"I'm not certain as to why I said that, Doctor; I belive it was in the script." Mr. Spock seemed a bit confused, something one didn't see every day. "At any rate, we must find a way to bring the captain back into the fragile physical state to which we refer as life."

"Hey! Maybe we could go back in time and tell our producer to change the plot so Jim doesn't die!"

"Not the soundest of logic, but it seems the only apparent solution."

"You don't have to be so supportive, Spock."

"Are the facetious implications in your vocal paterns intentional?"

In the transporter room, Spock patiently answered and re-answered the doctor's questions about their journey.

"Tell me again how the transporter's supposed to help?"

""I have temporarily programmed it to execute consecutive coordinate relocations in order to allow us to rapidly circumnavigate the sun, sending us to the twentyfirst century where we will, if necessary, use force to convince the producers to rewrite this episode so that we can continue the original series of _Star Trek,_complete our mission, whatever that may be, and enjoy the luxury of having a captain with the capability of respiration."

Bones' countenance was blank. "Er, okay, Spock, that, er, sounds pretty good..." _What the heck didyou say?_he added mentally.

"However, you shold know that our chances of survival leave much to be desired."

"What?" Bones exclaimed. "You mean we might die anyway and the series _still_ won't be saved? Why? How could we possibly end up dead?"

"The sun and the eart are constantly becoming closer to one another. Since no one has bothered to record the gravatational locomotion of the sun, we could very probably re-emerge from time-travel inside the twenty-first century sun because we do not know where it was at that time in relation to where it is now."

"Great," said Bones. "Just peachy."

Spock hung from the window ofthe second-floorof anapartment building.

"Just curious," McCoy's voice accompanied the vulcan as he forced the window open. "How did you know where to find this guy?"

"It's in the... script," Spock grunted as he painfully slid through the small space in the open window.

"What? No, that's okay," an elderly man said in his sleep. Then as if sensing an uninvited presence, theold manawoke. "What are you dong in my house? You don't exist! Even if you were real, you wouldn't exist_ yet_!"

"We want you to rewrite episode 29.5 of Star Trek's original series so that we don't get lost in a vaccuum and Kirk doesn't die."

Spock looke behind him to see McCoy who had apparently appeared out of thin air to answere the old guy's question.

"Episode 29.5? I only remember 29 and thirty! It's probably some hoolagin who watched the fourth movie and decided to make fun of our time travel method."

"Great. Can we use your door? I don't like the idea of some bratty kid moving me around with a ball point pen, or a type writer, or whatever they have these days, and I think my associat finds window crawling rather painful," McCoy explained to the half asleep man.

"Oh, sure. That's fine." The man rolled over and drifted back into slumber.

"We are now in West Virginia," Spock said, observing a badly built appartment complex.

"Now how can you possibly know that?" Bones interrogated.

"It's in the script. I imagine that is the same method you used to enter the previous apartment and the same method by which we arrived in this circular parking lot."

McCoy understood, sort of, as a young girl carrying a trash cancame out of an appartment.

"Hello, Doctor, Mr. Spock. I'll be done in a moment, so if you wait right here, I can help you, " she said as she emptied the over-sized tupperware into a large green dumpster.

"Did you jus bring us to West Virginia by writing?" Bones asked.

"No, I just took out the trash," she said good-naturedly. "I wrote you ino West Virginia about a eight months ago."

"Ah. We are here to-"

I know why you're here, sir," she cut off Spock's sentence. "I wrote it, did I not? Of course, if it weren't for me writing this, you probaably would have logically deduced that and not said anything."

The girl lead the starship offiers inti her "house" and began searching for her derisive story.

"Oh, I remember. I had to write it into my hand because my hamster was going to have eaten it," she said as it appeared in her lefthand.

She then sat down and wrote something on the very last page.

Spock and McCoy reappeared on the Bridge of the _Enterprise_.

"Jim, you're alive!" Spock and McCoy said in unison, pausing to stare at eachother before telling their story to the captain.

THE END

(Again, use your imagination and pretend that the next thing is a messy teenage scrawl.)

_Kirk did not die, the Enterprise is not stuck in another starless vaccuum and there is not a story to fill the boring gap between episodes 29 and 30._

_THE (REAL) END_

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Please review. :-)


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